When Cynda-chan Eats Much Grapefruit
by Phenomenatika
Summary: Cynda-chan, grapefruit, and a happy laptop... all this results in LOTR insanity!! It may not be too funny at first, please r+r!!


AN: Hey, I just ate too much grapefruit! Health foods get me on hyper- drive. So, this is one of those weird fanfics in which insanity is the main point.  
  
1  
  
2 When Cynda-chan Eats Too Much Grapefruit  
  
Chapter I  
  
2.1 By: Cynda-chan  
  
2.2 Genre: Humor/ a bit of slash (Legolas/ Aragorn) / Self-insertion of the Author  
  
2.3 Rating: PG, maybe PG-13  
  
Disclaimer: Legolas is MINE!! Mine, you hear? ALL MINE!! -Eyes the security guards- Fine, fine, he belongs to Tolkien…-walks away muttering-  
  
Additional Junk: I've only just seen the movie and read halfway on 'The Two Towers' (Some dodos checked out all the copies of 'The Hobbit' and 'The Fellowship of the Ring'…all three of each!!) so I may not be correct on all things. Also, I have no idea how to get the accent mark, sorry!  
  
It was a beautiful day on Middle Earth. Aragorn, son of Arathorn, Heir to Isildur son of Elendil, and Really-Cool-Guy-Who-Carries-Around-A-No- Longer-Broken-Sword; Legolas, son of Thranduil King of Mirkwood, and Even- Cooler-Dude-Who's-Got-A-Really-Good-Aim-With-His-Arrows; Gimli, son of Gloin the Mountain Dude, and The-Extremely-Ugly-Guy-Who-Makes-Legolas-Look- Ten-Times-Better-When-In-The-Same-Shot; Merry the Merry-Dude-Who's-Friends- With-Pippin; Pippin the Really-Stupid-Guy-Who-Says-Dumb-Stuff; Sam the Innocent-Stupid-Pudgy-Guy-Who-Trims-Frodo's-Lawn; and Frodo the Ringbearer- Dude-Who-Has-Scary-Blue-Eyes-That-Look-Like-Marbles. Gandalf the White was somewhere…shopping or something with Saruman. And Boromir the Son-of-some- Steward-Guy-of-Gondor was, er…Dead. And so, except for the wizard and the dead steward's-son-person, the Fellowship set out for a nice trip from Rivendell to Mirkwood. Everything was just…happy.  
  
It was somewhere around luncheon, and Pippin was a starving wreck. Legolas was passing out pieces of lembas to everyone. Gimli, however, objected.  
  
"I'm a Dwarf," he said gruffly, "And Dwarves don't eat Elf food. I'm going to make me some beef and road-kill stew." After that, Gimli stomped off to, presumably, find a cow and road-kill. Legolas shrugged it off and bit into his piece of lembas. Pippin, however, had already finished his share and was now trying to sneak another one out of the extremely large picnic basket.  
  
Unfortunately for the Hobbit, Aragorn spotted him and slapped him upside the head.  
  
"Tom-fool of a Took," muttered Aragorn as he finished off his Elf- food-type-cake-thing…oh, yeah! Lembas.  
  
Pippin was muttering a string of curses while scheming up another plan to steal food. Legolas, however, wondered how Gimli was faring. Cows, as we all know, are not usually found in the forest, much less somewhere between Rivendell and Mirkwood. As for road-kill…  
  
Gimli, the ugly Dwarf person with a big heavy axe, looking for beef in the middle of a forest, hmm…wonder what's wrong with that? Gimli had picked up other ingredients along the way. In his pouch, he held: a bottle of liquid of mud and a yellow fluid, some poisoned ants, a trampled rabbit, and…some dirt. Things were not going well, Gimli could not find a cow. He passed by a goat-type thing, on it, a sign read, 'Magical Goat Being, Very Delicious and Can Substitute for a Cow in any Recipe with Road-Kill in it!! Footnote: Will Grant Three Wishes'.  
  
Gimli scratched his head. Well, a substitute! What do you know! He started hacking off the hind leg of the goat. When he was done, he skipped along whistling cheerfully. Wait, do Dwarves skip?  
  
Anywho, Gimli stumbled upon something. To be exact, he trampled it. To be exactly exact, he trampled upon what might have once been a raccoon. A raccoon with wheel marks all over it. Bingo! Road-kill! Chuckling to himself, Gimli opened his pouch-bag-thingamabob and tossed in the raccoon. "Lalalalala," the Dwarf hummed, "No more Elf-food for me!" It was then that the stupid guy found that he was hopelessly lost without a roadmap…  
  
As for Aragorn, Legolas, and the rest of the gang, they were now traveling happily towards Mirkwood once more. "Tralalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala," sang Pippin as he hopped along, "Tralalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala * deep breath* tralalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala…"  
  
"Please be quiet," complained Legolas, massaging his pointy ears.  
  
Pippin took no notice of the poor Elf. "Tralalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala…"  
  
"I SAID PLEASE BE QUIET!" repeated the Elf archer in a louder voice, glaring at the Hobbit.  
  
Pippin 'humph'ed and clammed up.  
  
Legolas sighed happily and the tension vanished.  
  
Then, after fifteen minutes or so, Pippin was sorely tempted to try the Elf's patience. In a loud stage whisper, he sang, "Tralalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala…" grinning devilishly.  
  
Legolas's eyes bugged out. His mouth twisted into an angry, horrible (and really cute!) frown. He whipped around and glared at the singing Hobbit. He drew an arrow, knocked it to his bow, and aimed at Peregrine Took faster than a blink of an eye.  
  
The Hobbit blinked.  
  
"Shut…Up…" said the Elf, seething.  
  
Aragorn walked over and patted Legolas on the shoulder.  
  
"That's enough Legolas," he said gently, prying the arrow and bow away from the Elf's death-grip, "Stress raises your blood pressure,"  
  
Legolas raised an eyebrow at Aragorn and took back his weapons. Muttering slightly, he started to walk again.  
  
"Now as for you, Pippin," growled Aragorn, his pleasant mood vanishing once the Elf had disappeared into the boughs of a beech tree to brood some more. Pippin started shaking uncontrollably. You would be too, you know, if you ever saw Aragorn mad. Believe me, I know. Let's take a break and go to a flashback in script form:  
  
~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~  
  
Aragorn: Hello, Legolas…  
  
Legolas * blushing *: Hey, Aragorn…  
  
Cynda-chan: Hi!  
  
Aragorn: Who are you?  
  
Legolas: Let me guess, my worst nightmare…  
  
Cynda-chan * not noticing *: Hihihihihihihihihihihihihihihi!!!!  
  
Legolas: Aragorn…she scares me.  
  
Aragorn: Fear not, pretty…uh, I mean…erm…Fear not, er, Elf! Aragorn will save you!!  
  
Cynda-chan * notices Legolas *: Lego-kun!! * Glomps the Elf *  
  
Legolas * face is somewhere between blue and gray from lack of air *: * choke * Can't breathe…suffocating…Aragorn…help!!  
  
Aragorn * Draws Anduril from its sheath *: Elendil!! Elendil!!  
  
Cynda-chan * eyes weapon *: * gulp * Heh, heh… * starts running into the horizon with Aragorn after her *  
  
Legolas: Aragorn! My HERO!!  
  
~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~  
  
Cynda-chan: Well, at least I got them together…harrumph!  
  
Now that we all know why we should feel sorry for Pippin, let's check on Gimli, shall we?  
  
Gimli was just skipping along, singing, "Lalalalala…" Then he stubbed his toe upon a root protruding from the ground. Frowning at the root, he hop-skipped (however that is done) about, looking for the tree responsible. Ah, there it was, a fine beech tree (I have completely no idea what a beech looks like). Gimli grinned and looked around to make sure that there were no Elves about. His dim squinty eyes crinkled in evil mirth as he hefted his axe and prepared to hew at the offending tree. "Over-grown bush, you," he muttered, shifting the axe until it felt just right, "I'll teach you to trip a Dwarf!" He had started to swing his axe and feeling pretty cool when he thought he heard the twang of a bowstring and the swish of something flying in the air. In the blink of an eye, the Dwarf found that an Elvin arrow had magically grown from the pouch. He stopped in mid- swing. The off-kilter momentum of the swing threw him to the ground, where his axe-head bounced away and into some river.  
  
Legolas smiled to himself; there was one Dwarf who would never swing an axe at another tree again. He strapped the bow back onto his back (hey! That sounded cool!) and hopped lightly onto the ground from the high branches of the beech. He strode over to Gimli, who was still currently in shock from where the blunt end of the axe-head had thumped him good on the head when bouncing away and being shot at. Legolas could barely suppress a laugh when he saw his companion's position.  
  
Gimli lay flat on his back, mouth slightly agape, eyes tilted upwards, and still holding the stick part of his axe. Legolas finally let a big guffaw escape his lips and couldn't stop laughing. He collapsed on the forest floor and pounded the ground in spasms of laughter.  
  
The sounds of his mirth attracted his other traveling companions. Aragorn was the first to arrive at the clearing in the woods. His eyes filled with sympathetic tears when he misunderstood the scene in front of him: Gimli, struck by an arrow, had tried to ward off the enemy before his untimely death. His axe had fallen to pieces, and Legolas had arrived on the scene. He had probably fought off the foe and was now mourning the loss of his friend. Not that Gimli and Legolas had ever been friendly towards each other, but seeing the poor Elf in grief spasms was heartbreaking, especially to Aragorn. (Aw, fluff. This IS a slash hint, you know.)  
  
Aragorn walked over and laid a gentle hand on Legolas's shoulder. "There, there, now," he murmured, "We all have to go sometime," Legolas stopped laughing for a second as he looked confusedly at his friend ('just' a friend? Hm?). What on Middle Earth was Aragorn talking about? Then, pure humor engulfed his mind and he started laughing yet again. There were tears of mirth running down his cheeks.  
  
Aragorn had never seen his friend cry before. This must be a really sentimental thing that Legolas was going through. Hesitating slightly, he put his arms around the Elf, noticing his friend stiffen slightly before going back into spasms. Trying to reassure Legolas, he said, "It's going to be okay, Legolas, I promise," Aragorn patted Legolas's head awkwardly, wondering what the Hobbits would think if they walked in on them, "Now, why don't you tell me about what happened?"  
  
Legolas felt Aragorn's arms about him and froze in mid-chortle. He blinked a bit and saw Gimli and the axe-stick-thing. He broke into guffaws again. Answering Aragorn's question proved to be a slight challenge, as he was laughing too hard to reply properly. "I * chuckle* tree * cough, cough * Gimli, hahahahahaha, tried * choke * hmhahahahahaha, chop, * chortle * I shoot * laugh attack * Gimli * spasm * head, heheheheheheheh… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!" he managed to choke out between giggles (can you call them giggles?).  
  
Aragorn eyed the Elf sadly. From what he heard, he assumed that Legolas was up in a tree when he heard some sort of distress cry from Gimli. Presumably, (whatever the heck that means) Legolas had run to the site and started shooting at the intruders, warding them off. Gimli took a head-wound as well as an arrow, and was now probably dead.  
  
"Ah," Aragorn said sadly, "I had hoped that Boromir would be the only one to leave our Fellowship, now Gimli has also gone. I share your grief, Legolas. But we must move on. Although it is sobering news that our good Dwarf is now dead." These words did not seem to comfort Legolas; instead, he stopped in the middle of a spasm, stood up and looked upon Aragorn with a face of complete befuddlement.  
  
"Gimli? Dead?" Legolas blinked as though he couldn't fathom WHY on Middle Earth Aragorn had said that.  
  
Aragorn looked just as surprised, "Isn't that what just happened?"  
  
Legolas raised an eyebrow, "No, Gimli was going to chop down the beech tree where I was sitting and I shot his pouch-carrier-bag-thing. His axe broke and he hurt himself. And you thought he was…dead?" Legolas snorted and started laughing uncontrollably again. Aragorn sorted it all out in his mind and the irony struck him as very funny, so he joined in the hysterics.  
  
Merry, Pippin, Frodo, and Sam arrived just in time to see their three companions: Gimli, lying prone on the ground, Legolas and Aragorn laughing their heads off in a fit of hysterics.  
  
Frodo's scary blue (they really freak me out) eyes filled at once with tears. "Poor Gimli," he sobbed brokenly, "What has happened?" The other three Hobbits just stared agape at what they took to be the results of a battle that they had been too late to come to.  
  
You can understand the misunderstandings.  
  
~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~* ~ * ~  
  
AN: Well, how was it? Not too bad, I hope? More coming soon! Please review! 


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